21November2014

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Your Favorite Israel & Jewish Jokes

Jokes - בדיחות

 

Hey friends, take a few minutes out of your busy day to have a chuckle.  Share a joke with us or just enjoy these.  Short jokes or one-liner's are appreciated.

 


Comments   

 
Anglo-list
+1 # Anglo-list 2013-02-05 07:02
Miriam and Moishe were in despair. Their 3 year old son David still had not learned how to talk. Not a word had escaped through those now 3-year-old lips.

One Friday night at Shabbos dinner, David took a taste of his pie, and to their utter surprise and amazement, said: “You call this matzah ball soup? It tastes like tasteless mush!”

Miriam and Moishe sat there in shock, for this was not just their son’s first sentence, but the first words he ever uttered! Once the initial shock had subsided, Moishe asked,
“Tell me David, how come you never spoke until now?”
“I never had any reason to,” explained David.
“There was nothing wrong with the soup until now.”
:P
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Anglo-list
+1 # Anglo-list 2013-02-05 07:03
Dear G-d, my prayer for 2013 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year. ……..AMEN.
:lol:
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Anglo-list
0 # Anglo-list 2013-02-05 07:05
At Golden Chopsticks Kosher Chinese restaurant in Toronto they have a letter posted on the wall:

The Chinese Restaurant Association of Canada thanks the Jewish people. We do not understand your dietary requirement properly but we are happy and honoured that your G-d instructs you to eat our food on Xmas and new year.
Reply
 
 
Anglo-list
0 # Anglo-list 2013-02-05 07:08
Issy is walking down the road with his friend Max, when he suddenly says.
You know what, Max, I’m a walking economy”.
Whatever do you mean by that?” Asks Max.
“ Well , it’s likely this….my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation and the combination of these factors is putting me into a depression!”
:-)
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Moshe
0 # Moshe 2013-08-13 23:37
:lol: A perfect description of me,only I' a plumber.
Reply
 
 
Anglo-list
0 # Anglo-list 2013-02-05 07:10
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:

"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438,and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check.
If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
:lol:
Reply
 
 
Anglo-list
-1 # Anglo-list 2013-02-05 07:13
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise.

Why?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!
;-)
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Anglo-list
-1 # Anglo-list 2013-02-05 07:22
"If G-d had intended Jewish women to exercise, he'd have put diamonds on the floor."
:sigh:
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Anglo-list
0 # Anglo-list 2013-02-05 07:25
Whats a Jewish girls favorite wine

I want to go to Florida!

:lol:
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Anglo-list
+2 # Anglo-list 2013-02-13 13:30
The Rabbi was teaching his 6 year old students.
He asked one of them to give him one of the Ten Commandments……
Easy said Shmuel ... "Thou shall not admit adultery"
Reply
 
 
Sylvain
0 # Sylvain 2013-02-14 16:13
My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty.
They sent her home because she insisted SHE was guilty.
Reply
 
 
Sylvain
0 # Sylvain 2013-02-14 16:13
Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on
white bread instead of rye, somewhere a Jew dies.
Reply
 
 
Sylvain
0 # Sylvain 2013-02-14 16:14
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to
the local hospital.

A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Cohen, are you comfortable?"

"I make a living...." he replies.
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Sylvain
0 # Sylvain 2013-02-14 16:16
Three Jewish mothers get together for lunch. As they are being
seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long,
slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long,
slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls,
I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
Reply
 
 
Sylvain
0 # Sylvain 2013-02-14 16:18
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:

· Under the same management for over 5,772 years.

· Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

· What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

· Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of
whom should be absent at every meeting.

and one more

A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright?
Reply
 
 
Yochai
0 # Yochai 2013-02-19 12:42
JEWISH WISDOM

No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover either.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip.

Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

If you don't eat, it will kill your mother and grandmother.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Prune Danish is an acquired taste.

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

Virtually all Jewish wisdom is somehow related to food.
Reply
 
 
Anette
-1 # Anette 2013-02-19 12:43
Cultural Perspective

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
Reply
 
 
Clive
0 # Clive 2013-02-22 03:54
10 reasons why we love Purim

1. Making noise in shul is a mitzvah.
2. Levity is not reserved for the Levites.
3. If you're having a bad hair day, you can always wear a mask
4. Purim is easier to spell than Khanuka, Chanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka
5. You don't have to change all the pots and dishes.
6. You don't have to build a sukkah and eat outside in the rain.
7. It's a mitzvah to get drunk
8. You won't get hit in the eye by a lulav.
10. You can't eat hamentaschen on Yom Kippur.
Reply
 
 
Harold1000
-2 # Harold1000 2013-02-24 05:26
Bad joke for the day.

Oscar Pistorius doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Reply
 
 
Craig
0 # Craig 2013-03-05 12:35
3 men; one Scottish, one irish, and one jewish.

They were all builders. Every day they went to work on the top of a building.

The Scottsman pulls out his lunch and says "TUNA! I hate TUNA! If my wife gives me tuna tomorow I'll jump off this building!"

The Irish man says "EGG! I hate EGG! If my wife gives me egg tomorow I'll jump off this building!"

The Jewish man says "HUMOUS! I hate Humous! If my wife gives me humous tomorow I'll jump off this building!"

The next day the Scottsman pulls out his lunch and says "TUNA! Thats it!" and jumps off th building.

The Irishman says "EGG! Thats it!" and jumps off the building.

The Jewish man says "HUMOUS! Thats it!" and jumps off the building.

The next day the wiives get interviewed.

The Scottsman's wife and the Irish man's wife say "If only he had just had just told me he didnt like the sandwhich, I would have made him something different."

The Jewish wife says "I dont understand this. He always made his own sandwhiches.
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Anglo-List
0 # Anglo-List 2013-03-14 05:37
Some Pesach funnies:

Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover?
A: So we can Seder right words.
----
Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.
---
It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
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Craig
-1 # Craig 2013-03-15 06:02
#20 - Nice!

Here are a few more:

Q. What kind of cheese can you eat on Pesach?
A. Matza-rella

Q. Who was the best business woman in the bile?
A. Pharaoah's daughter, she pulled a profit out of the water.
Reply
 
 
Anglo-List
-1 # Anglo-List 2013-03-24 08:04
This is a little known tale of how G-d came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.

G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."

So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said G-d, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" G-d said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
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Anglo-List
0 # Anglo-List 2013-03-24 08:17
Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Passover

1. Save money by using last year’s Matzah (it won’t taste any different and you haven’t thought of eating it since then)

2. You can put your elbows on the table

3. Maror is a better remedy for sinuses than any prescription medication.

4. Four cups of wine (and if Elijah doesn’t show up, there’s a 5th!!)

5. The extra cash from selling your Chometz will come in handy.

6. The required cleaning of the refrigerator gives you a reason to throw out that old milk container.

7. You actually eat the parsley.

8. A good reason to use your wooden spoon, candle, and feather collection.

9. Think of all the toilet paper you save by eating Matzah for a week.

10. To remember that it was actually Charlton Heston who led us out of Egypt.
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Anglo-list
0 # Anglo-list 2013-04-14 02:45
Yom Ha'Atzmaut chuckles:

Q. What did the one flag say to the other?
A. Nothing, it just waved
----
Q. What is the name of the dance we do on Yom Ha'Atzmaut?
A. The Indepen-dance
---
Q. Who is widely recognized as the best mathematician in the Old Testament?
A. Moses, he wrote the Book of Numbers.
---
Q. How did G-d help Moses with his migraines?
A. He gave him two tablets
---
On an invitation to a Yom Ha"Atzmaut celebration at the Prime Minister's residence:

You are cordially invited to join us at our annual Bi-Bi.Q...


Chag Sameach!
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Anglo-list
0 # Anglo-list 2013-04-26 04:14
Around your Lag Ba'Omer Bonfire:

Q: How many Google employees does it take to light a bonfire?
A: Five. One to the light the match and 4 to design the home-page graphics
----
Q. What do you call the a baby potato on Lag Ba'Omer
A: Small fry.
-----
Just in time for Lag Ba'Omer, Intel Israel announces its greatest invention to date. Hailed as the fastest and best microprocessor of all times - the potato chip.
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Anglo-list
-1 # Anglo-list 2013-05-13 04:56
Q: What do you call cheese that is sad?
A: Blue cheese.
---
Q. Which hotel serves the best cheese?
A: The Stilton
---
Q: Why does cheese look sane?
A: Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
---
Q. What does a cheese say on Shavuot?
A: Have E dam good day!
---
Q. What type of cheese is made backwards?
A. EDAM.
---
After Shavuot we all need to go diet. Why? To cheddar a few pounds.
---

Share your jokes with us too and enjoy the holiday!
Reply
 
 
jira
0 # jira 2013-06-22 19:50
:lol:
Reply
 

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