Wednesday, 24 October 2018

The finest collection of Jewish jokes short, funny and corny.

Hebrew: בדיחות קצרות ומצחיקת

For when you need those laughs to come fast. Enjoy a giggle with some Jew jokes with us.

Some of the most famous comedians of all times are Jewish; Groucho Marx, Seinfeld, Milton Berle, Jerry Lewis to name but a few.  These jokes all have a Jewish theme.  They are not intended to insult or poke fun at anyone.  Feel free to add a joke in the Comment Box below.  All submissions are moderated.

Jew jokes

 

Corny Shavuot Jokes

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?

A. Ruth-less.


Q. Which servant of G-d was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.


Q. Did you know it’s wrong for a woman to make coffee? Yup, it’s in the Bible. It says . . .

A. “He-brews”


Q: Where is medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

A: When God gave Moses two tablets.


It's traditional to eat cheese on Shavuot - here are a few cheesy jokes

Q: What do you call cheese that is sad?

A: Blue cheese.


Q. Which hotel serves the best cheese?

A: The Stilton


Q: Why does cheese look sane?

A: Because everything else on the plate is crackers.


Q. What does a cheese say on Shavuot?

A: Have E dam good day!


Q. What type of cheese is made backwards?

A. EDAM.


Q. After Shavuot we all need to go diet. Why?

A. To cheddar a few pounds.


An oldie

There is a well known Midrash about how God offered the Law to a number of nations, which all refused it, before He offered it to the Jews. What isn't known very well is the inside story.

God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

"What's a commandment?" they asked.

"Well, one of them goes, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,'" replied God.

The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."

So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

They also asked, "What's a commandment?"

"Well," said God, "one says, 'Thou shalt not steal.'"

The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.

They asked, "How much?"

God said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take ten."


While attending a public dinner, a Rabbi was seated next to a prominent woman. Apparently attempting to impress the rabbi, the woman mentioned that one of her ancestors was present at the signing of Israel's Declaration of Independence.

The Rabbi quickly responded, "My ancestors witnessed the giving of the Ten Commandments."

 

Pesach Jokes

The four questions

Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover?

A: So we can Seder right words.


Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?

A: A matzochist.


Q. What kind of cheese can you eat on Pesach?

A. Matza-rella


Q. Who was the best business woman in the bile?

A. Pharaoh's daughter, she pulled a profit out of the water.


It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.


Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Passover

1. Save money by using last year’s Matzah (it won’t taste any different and you haven’t thought of eating it since then)

2. You can put your elbows on the table

3. Maror is a better remedy for sinuses than any prescription medication.

4. Four cups of wine (and if Elijah doesn’t show up, there’s a 5th!!)

5. The extra cash from selling your Chometz will come in handy.

6. The required cleaning of the refrigerator gives you a reason to throw out that old milk container.

7. You actually eat the parsley.

8. A good reason to use your wooden spoon, candle, and feather collection.

9. Think of all the toilet paper you save by eating Matzah for a week.

10. To remember that it was actually Charlton Heston who led us out of Egypt.


An exhausted Mrs. Cohen to her best friend: You know Zelda, I've been working so hard doing all the preparations for Pesach, do you want to join me now and we'll have our 4 glasses of wine earlier than usual?

 

Jewish food joke by Jerry Seinfeld

 

 

Below the Belt Jokes

I would love to wonder in your wilderness for 40 years.


If I raise my staff will it only part the sea?


You must not be kosher for passover because you're making my matza rise.


Which commandment do you want to break?


Why is this night different than all other nights? I'll show you why...


Don't worry I won't passover you.


After getting lost for 40 years I've think I've finally found what I was looking for


Can I dip my maror in your charoset.


Purim Jokes

10 ways to know that you've had enough to drink on Purim

10.You hold a volume of the Babylonian Talmud upside down, thinking “Hey, they finally decoded the human genome!”

9.You argue with hamentashen...and lose.

8.You forget to open your eyes and instead grope around for the light switch. You finally find the light switch, flick it off and say "There."

7.You think that calves' foot jelly is a dessert.

6.You ask people how many candles they lit last night.

5.You begin speaking Yiddish with a Sephardic accent.

4.You dream that you are asleep.

3.You have a nightmare that you are awake.

2.You combust spontaneously.

1.You think these jokes are funny.


10 reasons we love Purim

1. Making noise in shul is a mitzvah.

2. Levity is not reserved for the Levites.

3. If you're having a bad hair day, you can always wear a mask

4. Purim is easier to spell than Khanuka, Chanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka

5. You don't have to change all the pots and dishes.

6. You don't have to build a sukkah and eat outside in the rain.

7. It's a mitzvah to get drunk

8. You won't get hit in the eye by a lulav.

10. You can't eat hamentaschen on Yom Kippur.


Jewish knock, knock jokes!

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Vashti!

Vashti who?

Vashti dishes and I’ll give you a hamantaschen!


White House History

The first Jewish President of the United States has been inaugurated, and the first Jewish holiday that follows is Purim. So he calls up his mother to invite her to the White House for Purim.

Their conversation goes something like this:

President: Mom, with Purim being the first holiday after my inauguration, I want to celebrate it with us at the White House.

Mom: Oh, I don't know. I'll have to get to the airport and...

President: Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send a limo for you to take you right to the airport!

Mom: OK, but when I get to the airport, I'll have to stand on the line to buy a ticket and check my baggage. Oh, it will be so difficult for me.

President: Mom, don't worry about standing on lines or any of that. I'm the most powerful person in the world. I'm the President. I'll send Air Force One for you!!

Mom: Well, OK. But when I get to Washington, I'll have to find a cab and...

President: Momma, please! I'll have a helicopter waiting for you. It will bring right to the White House lawn!!!

Mom: Well, yeah. But where will I stay? Can I get a hotel room...

President: Momma, we have this whole big White House!!!! There will be plenty of room!!!! Please join us for Purim?

Mom: Ok, I'll be there.

Two seconds later, she calls her friend:

Mom: Hello, Sadie?!! Guess what? I'm spending Purim at my son's house!!

Sadie: Oh, the doctor?

Mom: No, the other one.


Around the Lag Ba'Omer Bonfire Jokes

Q: How many Google employees does it take to light a bonfire?

A: Five. One to the light the match and 4 to design the home-page graphics


Q. What do you call the a baby potato on Lag Ba'Omer

A: Small fry.


Just in time for Lag Ba'Omer, Intel Israel announces its greatest invention to date. Hailed as the fastest and best microprocessor of all times - the potato chip.




Yom Ha'Atzmaut Jokes

Q. What did the one flag say to the other?

A. Nothing, it just waved


Q. What is the name of the dance we do on Yom Ha'Atzmaut?

A. The Indepen-dance


Q. Who is widely recognized as the best mathematician in the Old Testament?

A. Moses, he wrote the Book of Numbers.


Q. How did G-d help Moses with his migraines?

A. He gave him two tablets


On an invitation to a Yom Ha"Atzmaut celebration at the Prime Minister's residence:

You are cordially invited to join us at our annual Bi-Bi.Q...


Kosher Jewish jokes

Miriam and Moishe were in despair. Their 3 year old son David still had not learned how to talk. Not a word had escaped through those now 3-year-old lips.

One Friday night at Shabbos dinner, David took a taste of his pie, and to their utter surprise and amazement, said: “You call this matzah ball soup? It tastes like tasteless mush!”

Miriam and Moishe sat there in shock, for this was not just their son’s first sentence, but the first words he ever uttered! Once the initial shock had subsided, Moishe asked,

“Tell me David, how come you never spoke until now?”

“I never had any reason to,” explained David.

“There was nothing wrong with the soup until now.”


Dear G-d, my prayer for this year is for a fat bank account and a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year. ……..AMEN.


At Golden Chopsticks Kosher Chinese restaurant in Toronto they have a letter posted on the wall:

The Chinese Restaurant Association of Canada thanks the Jewish people. We do not understand your dietary requirement properly but we are happy and honored that your G-d instructs you to eat our food on Xmas and new year.


Issy is walking down the road with his friend Max, when he suddenly says.

You know what, Max, I’m a walking economy”.

Whatever do you mean by that?” Asks Max.

“ Well , it’s likely this…. my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation and the combination of these factors is putting me into a depression!”


Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread instead of rye, somewhere a Jew dies.


If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise.

Why?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!


No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover either.


Why spoil a good meal with a big tip.


If you don't eat, it will kill your mother and grandmother.


Prune Danish is an acquired taste.


Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.


According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.


No meal is complete without leftovers.


Virtually all Jewish wisdom is somehow related to food.


More Jewish humor

Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!


"If G-d had intended Jewish women to exercise, he'd have put diamonds on the floor."


What is the definition of chutzpah - it's when someone is being treated for a multi-personality disorder and wants a........group discount :)


Whats a Jewish girls favorite wine?  I want to go to Florida!


An elderly Jewish fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:

"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438,and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."


The Rabbi was teaching his 6 year old students.

He asked one of them to give him one of the Ten Commandments……

Easy said Shmuel ... "Thou shall not admit adultery"


An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to
the local hospital.

A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Cohen, are you comfortable?"

"I make a living...." he replies.


Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:

· Under the same management for over 5,772 years.

· Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

· What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

· Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.


Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.


The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.


Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.


If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.


Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.


Jewish Mother Jokes

Three Jewish mothers get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."

The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."

The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."


My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty.

They sent her home because she insisted SHE was guilty.


A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright?


An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill you." A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill myself."


A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know "what she means."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what does the Jewish bra do?"

"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."


Old Jewish culture jokes

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."


3 men; one Scottish, one Irish, and one Jewish.

They were all builders. Every day they went to work on the top of a building.

The Scotsman pulls out his lunch and says "TUNA! I hate TUNA! If my wife gives me tuna tomorrow I'll jump off this building!"

The Irish man says "EGG! I hate EGG! If my wife gives me egg tomorrow I'll jump off this building!"

The Jewish man says "HUMOUS! I hate humous! If my wife gives me humous tomorrow I'll jump off this building!"

The next day the Scotsman pulls out his lunch and says "TUNA! That's it!" and jumps off the building.

The Irishman says "EGG! That's it!" and jumps off the building.

The Jewish man says "HUMOUS! That's it!" and jumps off the building.

The next day the wives get interviewed.

The Scotsman's wife and the Irish man's wife say "If only he had just had just told me he didn't like the sandwich, I would have made him something different."

The Jewish wife says "I don't understand this. He always made his own sandwiches.


Know who's near. Locate oleh friendly, English speaking, professionals in your area

Sign up for our newsletter and get all our best stuff directly to your inbox

 

 

Trending