Friday, 05 June 2020
Local Time In Israel Asia - Jerusalem


(Reading time: 2 - 4 minutes)

Sukkot Jokes, giggles and one-liners

In court, the landlord argued that the sukkah was unsightly, against the terms of the lease, and was a fire hazard. Moishe argued his religious rights.  The judge, who happened to be Jewish, listened patiently and then offered his verdict.

“I agree with the landlord in this case, and I therefore rule that you have eight days to take down your hut.”

Sukkot 1957 - Elvis Presley had been on a visit to Israel.  He was fascinated by all the booths he saw and  by the religious men waving their lulavim and etrogim.  When he got back to the U.S.A. he told Tom Parker, his manager, how wonderful his trip had been. Inspired by it all he sat down and wrote the top hit - "I'm all shook up".

The Cohen family were very conscientious and were all about re-cycling.  They had  special bins for paper, glass and organic  waste.  One day after Sukkot the Cohen children got all excited as their parents gave them a gift.  They fought to tear off the wrapping and couldn't wait to open the box.  Soon their new toy was revealed - Mr. Etrog Head.

Sukkot - Dr. Seuss Style

You can build it very small
You can build it very tall
You can build it very large
You can build it on a barge
You can build it on a ship
Or on a roof but please don't slip  

You can build it in an alley
You shouldn't build it in a valley
You can build it on a wagon
You can build it on a dragon  

You can make the s'chach of wood
Would you, could you, yes you should
Make the s'chach from leaves of tree
You shouldn't bend it at the knee  

Build your Sukkah tall or short
No Sukkah is built in the Temple Court
You can build it somewhat soon
You cannot build it in the month of June  

If your Sukkah is well made
You'll have the right amount of shade  

You can build it very wide
You cannot build it on its side
Build if your name is Jim
Or Bob or Sam or even Tim
Build it if your name is Sue
Do you build it, yes you do! 

From the Sukkah you can roam
But you should treat it as your home
You can invite some special guests
Don't stay in it if there are pests 

You can sleep upon some rugs
Don't you build it where there's bugs 

In the Sukkah you should sit
And eat and drink but never...
If in the Sukk ah it should rain
To stay there would be such a pain  

And if it should be very cold
Stay there only if you're bold 

So build a Sukkah one and all
Make it large or make it small 

Sukkah rules are short and snappy
Enjoy Sukkos, rejoice be happy

Purim is for alcoholics.

Pesach is for OCDs.

Shavuot is for insomniacs, and Lag B'omer is for pyromaniacs who weren't satisfied with Hannuka.

Tisha B'Av is for manic depressives

Rosh Hashana is for people who obsess over dying

Yom Kippur is for anorexics

Sukkot is for the homeless

Simchat Torah is for those in their happier stages of bipolar. Mi K'Amcha Yisroel. ... and people still wonder why the Jews invented psychology."

A man comes to the Rabbi and asks for instructions on how to build a kosher sukkah. The Rabbi directs him to read a page of the Talmudic tractate of Sukkot and follow the instructions. The man follows all the instructions and just as he puts up last piece of scach on top of the Sukkah, the whole thing collapses. Thinking he made a mistake, he tracks back and rebuilds the Sukkah with the same result. Very frustrated he goes back to the Rabbi and explains what happened. The rabbi opens to the page of Talmud, studies it for a minute and exclaims "Funny, Rashi asks the same question"!

More Jewish jokes and one-liners that will have you rolling on the floor